Updated: Dec 5, 2021
where to start?
im not exactly shure, the last few months have been chaotik, majical, new, honest, scarie, unique, telling, fresh, repetitive, and quite exciting. i was faced with mennie challengez, some began as a struggle, but bekame the key to the most incredible doorz iv ever walked through. i learned that when things feel uncomfortable and scary in the beginning, they have a greater chance of being comforting, warm, inviting, and effortless in the end. the journie is never eazy, its the perfect balance of absolutely outrageously chaotik, and perfectly blissfully majically seem-less, and sometimes it feels like there is no in between. i personally document all the thrilling moments for my own selph. but i wanted to share some with you, because thanks to you, i get to experience the ups and the downs, the rights and the lefts, and the good and the bad. i have been working toward a vision i see of my selph standing on a large stage singing the lyrix with all of you and feeling the feelingz together. i see my selph in different cities and countries with different faces coming from different places all singing the same words. i see my selph allowing music to heal me and protect me and support me and it doing the same for all of you. i have seen this my whole life, the end is there but the pieces to get to that point arent in their place yet and i need to appreciate this time, now, as much i as can. so here is me letting you in. in september i moved to los angeles california. my couzin kourtney came with me, we have a bond like no other, and theres no one who understandz me like she does. she sold her apartment and after 2 years of me living as a nomad traveling for showz, studio sessionz, photoshoots, and meetingz we decided were gonna stay somewhere for a little while. she is one of the only people who has seen almost as much as i have and has been sitting shotgun with me throughout this whole ride. september was so mennie things, new friends, concerts, and screaming the neighbourhood down sunset blvd for hours talking about all the things we were struggling with. it was being in studio with new people, trying to learn as much as i can while trying to prove to them and my self what i already know. it was writing music and talking about the things iv never admitted. it was learning about my insecurities, and that i sometimes project those beliefs on to others. it was being terrified to reach out to people that intimidated me and doing it anyway. it was admitting that what he did to me was bringing up other shit and removing the bandaids i put on those scars to take a closer look. it was bad dreams about my biggest fears and crying all day about it even through the studio sessions and meetings. it was missing our friends and wishing we had people our age to confide in and hang out with, navigating new relationships and figuring out who had the best intentions, what did they want from me? what did they need from me? what did i expect of them? it was writing the best music iv ever written and discovering a new and authentic sound, that felt like me. and for the first time listening to my own songs on repeat because i just love them and believe in the art. it was battling self doubt, negative internal beliefs, harmful personal expectations, and learning how to say yes to everyone, be at there every need, stay in someone elses space because it wasnt financially smart to not stay with family, understand the layout of a massive new city, take care of my own needs, and balance mental health, work, and self care all at the same time. i am still learning that, ill always be working on that, its difficult. it was working with a new team that believes in me, and are kind, and smart, and care about my wellbeing, and push me to be the best i can be. it was dealing with my biggest and most consistent monster, which is "missing". missing the person who doesnt miss me, missing my family, missing a moment, missing a feeling, missing their warmth, missing your validation, missing youth, missing the ones who are now angels, missing parts of who i have been before that i am no longer. it was hanging with a new friend and sitting next to emily osment who is as cool as she was on hannah montana and young and hungry and telling my self shes just a person but knowing that 11 year old me would be screaming. it was getting stalked at target and having to be escorted out by security but loving it cause I felt famous. it was going to a whatsonot concert backstage and meeting evan giaa and thinking about how 19 year old annies favorite song was westworld, and how i would belt it in my apartment when i was absolutely lost and battling the demons that existed then. it was going hiking when our minds played some of their most evil tricks and trying everything we could to see that the mountains are bigger than us and our worries. it was going to see the neighbourhood after a week of feeling empty, tired, drained, and invalidated and showing up an hour late, parking 20 min from the hollywood bowl, electric scootering to the venue, missing the whole first hour, running to our very far seats, and leaving after 50 minutes, but was one of the best concerts EVER. it was going to see holly humberstone at the roxy and manifesting that i see the boy i used to talk to but instead manifested a celebrity with the same name, some things must stay vague... it was buying two tickets to a zedds dead concert with our cousins and friends, kourtney forgetting her id, 3 different people shouting the name of the boy who just rejected me, us ubering to the wrong house, sitting in the street in tearz, and finally getting another uber home and face timing our friendz. it was starting off the next 3 months with having kovid, quarantining quite comfortably... but bored out of our minds. it was talking about kanyes new album in a studio session, leaving the studio session and hearing someone blasting the new album out there window, kourtneys phone suggesting "paranoid" by kanye which reiterated "hey there dont think about it you worry about the wrong things", feeling like its a sign from our angels, leaving that studio seshion going to a studio with slushii and meeting one of kanyes writers and producers and him being one of the coolest and kindest people ever and talking about life with everyone for hourz. its writing this right now and looking up the lyrics to paranoid and seeing the feature is someone i work out with, that my manager called me about yesterdae, and had no idea it was the same guy. its missing our friendz, printing out pictures of them to put all over our wall, decorating our room that we shared, covering our tinnie bed in layers of blankets to feel more like home, and more safe. it was finding my magic snow globe at home goods and sleeping next to it every night, giving it the power to create the most incredible moments. it was very accurate horoscopes, angel numbers, birthdae numbers, street names, signs, messages, feelings, tears, conversations, laughter, stories, mistakes, and realizations. it was dance lessonz, our new favorite songs, music that saved us, coffee and cruising in the morning, and hours of cruising at night to escape. it was flashbacks, nightmares, daydreams, and visions. it was holly humberstone, alanis morrisette, taylor swift, young thug, same fender, teenage crime by adrian lux, the killers, maisie peters, verzache, lany, alessia cara, the night game, coldplay, gracie abrams, bon iver, ed sheeran, happier than ever billie eilish, matt maeson, chet faker, and franz ferndinand. it was random feild trips to the beach, the mountains, small towns, little pop up shops, and flee markets. it was lots and lots of memes. it was chasing clouds, t****, w********, and d**. it was the saddest news, the sharpest stings, the warmest hugs, hardest laughs, and the deepest breathes. it was the start of something new for the world im creating. it was another chapter, and the first one im readie to tell everyone about, the ones before this are for a different time, but well see, little thingz may come out. it was the purpose era, and i wouldnt have it any other wae.
oh and since youre here and youre a real one you get to know the teaaaa ,, my new song toxik comes out december 10th 2021 :)